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Natural Born Negotiator

  • Writer: Piero Stillitano
    Piero Stillitano
  • Jan 16, 2023
  • 3 min read

From the moment we enter this world, negotiation becomes an instinctive part of our lives. As newborns, our very first act of negotiation is fueled by a primal need: to satisfy our hunger. Crying and screaming, we express our desires, offering our silence as currency in exchange for nourishment. Negotiation is a fundamental part of our everyday lives, and we usually engage in it unconsciously. While some of us are naturally better at negotiating than others, we can all consciously improve our skills to increase our chances of getting what we want. Negotiation skills are essential for everyone, regardless of their role in society. Knowing the rules of the game and how to play it can make our lives less stressful and more enjoyable. Fortunately, you do not have to attend sophisticated negotiation programs to become a skilled negotiator. You can adopt some straightforward measures to become more proficient. Here are five practical tips that can enhance your negotiation skills:


Be aware of your emotions: Emotions are a critical factor in the negotiation process, and learning how to recognize and handle them is essential. Maintaining objectivity and a systematic approach can be challenging when strong emotions are involved. If you are feeling nervous, sad, happy, or overly enthusiastic, it's likely to influence your decision-making process. Learning how to read your emotions, identify their triggers, and observe how they impact your behavior is crucial. While it's essential to avoid being swayed by strong emotions, it's equally important to manage them in a way that works to your advantage. It's advisable to postpone making significant decisions when you feel overwhelmed by strong emotions.


Recognize your underlying interest: It is crucial to clearly understand your "underlying interest" before entering into any negotiation. It is common for people to mistakenly identify their "position" (PO) as their "underlying interest" (UI). While a position is a specific solution proposed in a given situation, the "underlying interest" refers to the motivation behind taking that position. Unfortunately, we often negotiate over positions, losing sight of the underlying interests that must be addressed.

For instance, consider the story of two individuals arguing over the window in an office. One wants the window open (PO1), while the other wants it closed (PO2). They go back and forth on the degree to which the window should be opened: a crack, halfway, three-quarters of the way. Unfortunately, none of these solutions satisfy both parties. A third person enters the room and asks why the first individual wants the window open. The individual responds by stating they want fresh air (UI1). The third person then asks the second individual why they want the window closed, to which the individual responds by saying that they want to avoid a draft (UI2). The third person resolves the issue by opening a window in the next room, bringing fresh air without a draft.


Acknowledge and respect status: Before commencing the negotiation process, it is imperative to set the stage for the upcoming dialogue adequately. A commonly disregarded yet fundamental aspect of productive negotiations is displaying respect toward the other party. Acknowledging and recognizing the other party's status promotes their self-esteem and instills positive emotions, ultimately fostering a cooperative and optimistic atmosphere.


Remove "Internal Noise" from communication: It is advisable not to compel oneself to employ sophisticated communication techniques during negotiations, as doing so may lead to the perception of being manipulative and deceitful, especially if one is not an expert in this area. It is crucial to avoid common communication mistakes, commonly called "internal noise." Active listening and the use of plain language are essential aspects of effective communication. Discriminatory remarks, stereotypes, and ambiguous language should be avoided at all costs. Moreover, in case of uncertainty regarding the conveyed message, seeking clarification is advisable rather than making general assumptions.


Stop, think, and evaluate yourself: Incorporating daily reflective practice into your routine can be valuable. At the close of each day, set aside a few moments to reflect on your experiences. Consider which emotions were most prevalent throughout the day and reflect on any negotiations you may have had with others, such as your spouse, children, co-workers, boss, or individuals you encountered while running errands. As you examine these events, analyze your "position" in each interaction and reflect on your underlying interests. Identify any discrepancies between the two and reflect on how they may have impacted the outcome of the negotiation. Lastly, assess whether the outcome of each interaction aligned with your expectations. This exercise can assist in cultivating greater self-awareness and improving your negotiation skills over time.


Negotiation skills are invaluable in personal and professional settings and can enhance your life quality by reducing stress and making interactions more enjoyable. By following these simple steps, you can become a more conscious negotiator and increase your chances of getting what you want.



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© 2020 by Piero Stillitano. 

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